As some immigrant Brits will tell you (repeatedly), Christmas in Australia is shit. With its perfect, cloudless blue sky, stunning beaches and relaxed bonhomie; it’s nothing like being in Blighty. It’s intolerable.
Suffer no more. I’ve created a survival kit for Brits in Australia. With my help, you’ll get through it.
Here are my 5 ways to enjoy, or at least tolerate, living in this hellhole over the festive period. Stay strong and follow this advice:
1. Embrace your whinging
If you enjoy whinging, this is your time. Professional whingers can really let rip at Christmas. You know the drill. Bore your family and friends with stories about how ‘it’s just not the same when it’s not cold’ and ‘there’s never anything good on TV here on Christmas Day’. Trust me. Your Australian friends in particular will enjoy this. It’s a well known fact; Australians love to hear you drone on about Christmas in good old Blighty.
2. Don’t try something new
Christmas in Australia is summertime. Annoyingly, you’ll find yourself invited to all kinds of incredible outdoor activities in stunning locations. Moonlight Cinema for example. Resist! Don’t fall into the trap of accepting these invitations.
You’re expected to bring along a picnic, wine, even your dog. You’ll watch a movie under the stars with a breathtaking view of the Sydney skyline in the background. Terrible. You won’t enjoy it. That fabulous view and breathtaking sunset are just reminders you’re not in Blighty watching the Eastenders Christmas special.
3. Don’t make use of Sydney’s public transport or reasonably priced taxis
On Christmas Day in Blighty, a short taxi ride costs in an arm and a leg. Just the way it should be. Public transport is non-existent. Tradition is to sit on your arse all day. Maintaining these traditions is important, even on the other side of the world. Don’t even think about getting off your ass to use Sydney’s extensive public-transport-Christmas-Day-service, or a reasonably priced taxi, to call on friends.
4. Watch TV all day
Recreate Blighty in your own home. Stay inside watching TV all day. Air con up to the max. Get uncomfortably full. Fall asleep. Forget about the glorious 30-degree temperature outside. Christmas in Australia just isn’t cold enough.
No doubt you’ve said it a thousand times before but, Australian TV is shit. That’s why the internet was invented. Tune in to UK Gold on-demand TV. There’s enough to keep you occupied the whole day. Plan ahead. Have back-to-back re-runs of the Keeping Up Appearances and Heartbeat Christmas specials locked and loaded. Ready to play. Move only for toilet breaks.
Think ahead. Set your alarm.
Slumped in front of the TV, it’s the last thing you feel like doing, but the evening on Christmas Day is Skype time. Call your friends in Blighty. You’ll be too pissed to remember the conversation but chances are you were emotional and nostalgic, so it’s probably for the best. All part of the fun!
Follow these 5 tips and your Christmas in Australia won’t be so shit this year!
Do you have tips of your own? Tell us how you survive Christmas in Australia.